Abby sat at the bench by the river. What had just happened? She didn't know what to think. She knew he had feelings for her back in May, but then he started seeing Susan. It had been easier that way. She could pretend that nothing had happened, that they were just friends. But hearing him say that...it brought everything flooding back. She felt a million different emotions ranging from shock, complete happiness, confusion and anger. She decided to lean on her old friend anger. I mean, how dare he do this to her! Things had just began to settle down between them! Back to normal. Well...not normal. She knew deep down she wanted more but she had been ignoring those feelings. She finished her her cigarette and lit up another. This was impossible. She was so busy thinking, she didn't notice someone creep up behind her.
Carter stood staring at her for a few minutes, trying to gauge how she was feelings. She looked so beautiful sitting their, hair tied back. He noticed that a few strands had fallen out of her ponytail, down by her face. He watched her as she looked out at the river. She looked cold and he suppressed the urge to go over and hug her. He could stand there watching her for eternity. He took a few deep breaths, preparing himself for her mood.
"Abby," he whispered, not sure whether he wanted her to hear him or not. She continued to stare out at the river.
"Abby" he said slightly louder.
"I heard you the first time Carter," she snapped again not looking at him. She was mad. This he had expected.
Everytime he brought up the subject of 'them', she got defensive. He wished she'd just accept that things were changing. He knew she was scared. So was he.
"Oh. I'm...look, about what you heard." He stumbled over his words. What should he say?
"Save it Carter, I don't care!" She knew it was a lie but she couldn't do this right now.
"Abby..."
She looked at him, her eyes unreadable. He saw the familiar expression on her face. The one that meant 'I don't want to talk about it!' He chose to ignore it. They had to talk. He knew this wasn't gonna go away!
"Abby...I'm sorry you had to hear it like that but..." She cut him off.
"But what?" She said, the coldness in her voice matching that in her eyes.
"I...I'm sorry..."
"I don't wanna talk about it Carter."
He began to lose his patience. "Well there's a surprise!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She snapped
"You never want to talk about it Abby. It seems to be your policy that if you ignore it it'll go away."
"How dare you," her voice getting louder. "What exactly is there to talk about?"
"Us" he whispered. He knew there was no point yelling at her. It wasn't going to help.
"Us? Ha there's a joke!" She saw the hurt in his eyes as she said it but she didn't care. 'Now he knows what it feels like'
she thought
"Don't Abby. Can't we just talk about this? It isn't gonna go away."
"What? What do you think is going on with us Carter?"
"You know what's happening Abby. You just won't let it!"
"NOTHING is happening Carter! NOTHING!" She stood up, as if she was challenging him.
"Abby..."
"Don't Abby me! You can't just wake up one day and decide you want to give 'us' a shot after all." Her voice was beginning to waver. She was thinking about their discussion a few weeks ago at this very bench. She turned her back to him. She was beginning to feel vulnerable and she didn't like it. Carter knew what she was talking about too.
"Look, when I said that a few weeks ago I didn't mean it. Well I did but...I didn't, If you know what I mean." He was beginning to get off the point. "Anyway...couldn't we just, you know give it a try?"
She spun round, hit by another wave of anger.
"Give it a try? Give it a try?" He voice got louder with every sentence. "I put myself on the line for you and you blew me off!"
He looked down, regretting what he had said 'I'd rather settle...' Why did he have to say anything. "I'm sorry. I never meant to..."
She interrupted him, holding up her hand, signalling him to stop. "Don't! Just...don't" her voice broke slightly.
"Don't what?" He asked, a look of confusion on his face.
"Don't say you never meant to hurt me. I've heard it before and we both know it isn't true." She looked at the ground,
willing herself not to cry.
"Abby, you know I would never intentionally hurt you." He put a hand on her shoulder, sensing that she need some support. That was one of the things she loved about him. The way he able to sense when she needed him. She looked up, allowing him to see the hurt in her eyes.
"Do I?" She asked quietly. "Cause you rejected me and if that's not meant to hurt..." He was staring at her intently. Again she felt vulnerable - wide open for attack. She looked down. "Look John, I...we would never work."
"Why?"
"Because"
He threw his hands up in the air. "Because?! You're gonna thrown this away and the best reason you can think of is because?"
"We'd only hurt each other...and I'm not prepared to open myself up to that kinda pain. I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but I can't do it."
He sighed. "Fine." He began to walk away. He stopped and turned. "Just answer me one question." She nodded slowly
"do you still love me?" He wasn't sure if he really wanted to know the answer.
She looked over at him sadly and said quietly, "I never said I loved you."
He nodded and she saw the raw pain in his eyes. She was sure she had actually heard his heart break. He turned and
walked away. 'Why did I have to ask?' He asked himself.
She watched him walk away, just like she had back in May. "But I do." But it was too late, like always. He was gone.
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