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He stood leaning against the door, a look of panic and sadness over his face. This was replaced by relief as she opened the door. She was okay! He noticed her red-rimmed eyes. Well, she was okay physically. Mentally, he wasn't so sure. It hurt him to see her like this, knowing that he was probably the reason she had been crying. He marvelled at the fact she could still look amazing in a pair of baggy pyjamas. He decided she looked even better like this than in the ivory dress - if that was possible. She looked natural, comfortable, at home. This, however was not matched by the look on her face. She looked mightily pissed off. But that was Abby - when in doubt turn to anger. He'd learned that the angrier she got, the more she was hurt. He looked right into her deep chocolate eyes. Eyes that he could easily get lost in. She raised her hands to her hips and raised her eyebrows. She was daring him to speak, daring him to try and apologise. He was never one to back out of a dare, "Hey," he whispered. "You scared the shit out of me!" She bit back. He ran his hand over his eyes. He didn't realise. She was still freaked out over the attack. And here he was knocking her door like a maniac in the middle of the night. "Oh god Abby, I'm sorry. I didn't rea...." "Forget it!" She snapped. There they stood, neither saying anything. He knew she was trying to make him uncomfortable, trying to make this even harder. And why shouldn't she? He deserved it after all. So they stood, looking. After a few moments he finally broke the stalemate and signalled into the apartment, "Can I come in?" She didn't say anything, just looked at him further. He knew she was weighing it up. Should she let him in or not? She shifted slightly to the left. If he hadn't been watching her so closely he would have missed it. He didn't know if she was giving him permission or not, but he took a step forward anyway. She opened the door wider but stubbornly stood in the same position as he brushed by. He felt himself shiver as there bodies touched. He looked around her apartment. He noticed the tissues scattered over the floor next to the couch and the half eaten container of ice-cream on the table. Mmmm, chocolate! Again, he felt a sharp jab of pain knowing he was the one that had upset her. He hated to think of her sitting alone crying. She slammed the door behind him and stamped by him into the kitchen. This was going to be much harder that he thought. Oh well, the road to forgiveness is thorny, or long, or whatever the saying was. She filled the kettle with water and put it on, banging in every action. He sat at the table, waiting for her to sit and listen to him. She continued to bang around. She dumped a spoonful on coffee into two cups and stood with her back to him waiting for the kettle to boil. She drummed her fingers on the counter impatiently. She was stalling. He knew it. It was his punishment for acting like a jerk. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to know what was wrong, "Are you okay?" She stopped drumming but kept her back to him. "Fine." "You don't seem fine." He wasn't sure how far to push his luck. She was at least willingly to listen right now, but one wrong word and she would close up and throw him out. Of that he was sure. Still, he took a chance, "Why did you leave?" "I didn't feel well." "Oh. Anything serious?" "Just felt nauseous" she replied coldly. 'Can you blame me?' She thought. Seeing him drool all over the cover girl was enough to make anyone sick! "Oh." His eyes bore into her back. He wished she would turned round, look at him. Angry he could handle but he hated it when she got cold and distant. It was then he had a hard time convincing himself that she cared. When she was angry he knew she at least felt something towards him. They sat in silence for a few minutes. He didn't know what to say next and she couldn't trust herself to talk. The kettle boiled and Abby filled to cups. She turned and dumped Carter's in front of him. She decided it was probably safe to sit across from him. She could just about manage that without breaking down. "What did you mean?" The look of confusion on her delicate features made him elaborate, "You said you were happy I had moved on, not to call you and that you'd be okay now." "You obviously didn't listen" she replied sarcastically, avoiding his question. He raised his eyebrows in question. She felt her resolve break as the desire to explain took over. Damn him! "I was... I... The guy obviously heard me wrong. I said that I was going home but I'd be fine. You didn't have to call. You were to stay and have fun." She lied. Well why let him know what she was thinking? Did he really deserve it? Hell no! "Oh." They sat in silence again, drinking their coffee. Abby was in turmoil. Should she tell him what was really on her mind? Or just keep the ice-maiden act up? What he said next made her mind up for her. "I'm sorry." He said quietly, not really sure whether it was wise to go there. But he knew he had to - wise or not. She avoided his gaze and feigned ignorance, "What for?" He paused and braced himself, "I'm sorry for acting like a complete asshole tonight," he sounded so sincere that she decided to ease up on him, "It's not as if I'm not used to it!" He wasn't sure what to say to that and was relieved to see her laugh. "I'm joking Carter." "Right." He knew he should probably stop while slightly behind. She was talking to him now. But he couldn't help it. He didn't want it to be added to the list of the unsaid. The things they laughed off even though it had really hurt, so he continued, "Anyway, I'm really, truly sorry for acting that way, I was being an idiot." Abby turned serious. She didn't like where this conversation was going. It was heading in a direction that meant opening up to him. "Were you? I didn't notice." Denial. If she pretended it didn't happen, then maybe it didn't. "Yeah I was." Then again, maybe not. "I'm sorry I ignored you when I was with Sophie. And I'm sorry I ran off and left you. I was... Feeling uncomfortable." "I make you feel uncomfortable? Anyway, it doesn't matter." She leaned back in her chair, letting it all brush over her. So he was sorry. It didn't matter. "It does." "No Carter, it doesn't." She said more forcefully, her eyes pleading with his not to go there. "It does matter because... I... I wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry." There he had said it. Her eyes darkened as she stared at him. He watched her features harden at his admission. She stood up, towering above him. Looking down she said coldly, "Then I think you should go." She walked out of the kitchen into the living room. He sat at the table for a few seconds. 'I went too far!' He thought as he mentally slapped himself. He scraped the chair back and followed after her. "Abby..." "I don't want to hear it." "Please..." "Just go Carter." She snapped. "Go back to the party. Go back to the blond!" She didn't bother to cover the bitterness behind her words. He stood in front of her, "What? Are you... Are you jealous?" "No" she answered quickly, too quickly. "Yes you are. You're jealous." If he sounded like he was gloating, he didn't mean to. He was just amazed Abby had admitted it. Well, she hadn't came right out and said it but he knew that was what she was feeling. "No, I'm...angry. And yeah, congratulations, you hurt me!" He words cut through him. She had every right to be bitter. He had hurt her - deliberately. He deserved everything he got. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, ashamed. "Are you? You just said you were trying to. Why?" "I don't..." He looked at the floor, ashamed of the way he had acted. He shrugged lightly, "I was an idiot okay? You hurt me and..." He knew it wasn't an excuse but if it helped explain his behaviour... "When did *I* hurt *you*?" She spat. "You know when. You ignored my feelings..." His voice became harder. He suddenly remembered why he had wanted to hurt her, even though he knew it was wrong. "God Carter! That was back in May. What did you expect? That I'd fall into your arms and we'd live happily ever after? Come on! You know life isn't that simple. I was with Luka." "Luka" Carter said simply. "Yeah. And if I remember correctly I was willing to give us a shot and you, *you*, said no." Her voice was getting louder with every word, her anger taking over. The hell with cold, calm and collected, this guy was pissing her off. He was trying to make her feel bad because they weren't together. "You weren't over Luka" his anger was building too. Abby threw her arms in the air, "God!" She yelled, exasperated, "How many times do we have to have this argument? I wasn't still interested in Luka. I wasn't on the rebound. You were the one that didn't want to move forward. I just didn't want to see Luka get hurt by Nicole." "Yeah, whatever." They were both moving around the living room as they continued to yell. "Dammit Carter! I've said this like a hundred times. How about you listen this time! That night by the river, I... Was...not, still hung up on Luka. I couldn't have been. Like I told you before, I never loved him in the first place!" Carter's voice became quieter but his pain was still apparent as he slumped down onto the couch, "Then why...?" "I don't know." She knew what he was asking. She really didn't know why she had started dating Luka. She was attracted to him, but that was as far as it went. They didn't have anything in common. "He was upset over Carol leaving, my divorce had just been finalised... "Okay fine. But why Luka? Why not m... Why was it Luka?" The anger was gone no, pain all that was left. "You meant why wasn't it you?" He broke eye contact. She could see he was hurting so she sat down next to him. She turned into him and reached out. She lifted his chin with her finger and forced his eyes onto hers. It was time. He had to know the truth, "I knew I couldn't be with you and *not* be with you." He continued to watch her begin to open up. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "What?" She let go of his chin, feeling the intensity of his stare. She could see so much pain. It was her who broke eye contact this time. She wasn't sure if she could do this. She took a deep breath, "I had just separated from Richard. I was hurt and vulnerable. Luka and I... There was no risk. I knew I wouldn't fall in love with him. It was just sex...and having someone there so the apartment wasn't empty - you know? I couldn't have had that with you." "Why? Why not?" He prepared himself. Did he really want to know? Did he want to hear her say she didn't love him? That he wasn't good enough for her. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Because!" She blurted, raising her voice. Was he blind? She looked down, embarrassed and continued, her voice softer, "Because I knew..." It was now or never, "I knew... You were a risk. I couldn't be with you and *not* fall in love with you. I wasn't ready to go through that again. And you were just back from rehab. It wouldn't have been the healthiest start to a relationship. Oh God! She had said it. She had finally admitted why she had chosen Luka. She began to hear a thumping in her ear and realised it was her heartbeat. Carter sat there shell shocked. She hadn't said that she loved him, just that she could. That was a start - right? Anger began to build. He felt worse knowing this not better. Knowing that she hadn't even been willing to give them a chance. "So, what? You decided to bin me off because you were afraid that you would fall in love? "That's not..." He stood up, interrupting her. He swung round to look at her. "Face it! You were a coward. You weren't afraid we wouldn't work out. You were afraid we would. So you ran away." "You don't know what you're talking ab..." "What is it Abby? Are you scared of being happy? You like being miserable? Coz I sure as hell don't. But you, you make me miserable." Abby began to yell back. How dare he? She had been trying to explain. She had, in her own way, told him she loved him. And he acted like this? She jumped off the couch and began waving her arms in the air to emphasise what she was saying. "Well you know what? I'm sorry - okay? So sure, maybe the idea of being happy scares me but I haven't been happy very often... And whenever I was, Maggie would try to kill herself, or try to hurt us, or disappear for days leaving us alone and scared. Or Richard would forget we were married and jump into bed with some blond, and my happiness would be replaced by misery and pain. So please, forgive me for being scared. Misery? It's what I know! And I'm sorry if I make you miserable. That's the last thing I want to do - pull you into my world." She began to walk over to the door. "I think... I think you should just go." She opened it and looked across at Carter who was standing dumbstruck, "Please, just go." She stood there leaning against the door for support. She was emotionally drained. He watched her. She looked so helpless, so fragile. He realised he was being stupid and decided he had to take action. He had to do what he never thought he would. He had to tell her. He walked across to her and took the door from her grasp, "No" "No?" Their roles had changed. He was the strong one now. At least on the outside. He closed the door and stood in front of her. "I don't want to go." Abby slowly shook her head. "Look, I can't do this. I can't keep telling myself that we're fine, that we're friends. I keep saying I won't let you hurt me, but I always come back for more. Well, I can't do it anymore." She couldn't stand this close to him so she began to walk slowly back to the living room, beaten. She waved back with her hand, "Just go. I'm sure Sophie's waiting for you." She couldn't stop herself. It took him two large steps and he was by her side. He took hold of her shoulder, "You don't get it do you? I don't give a damn about Sophie!" Abby snorted, "Yeah? Sure looked that way tonight." "I know what you must be thinking..." "It doesn't matter what I think. Just go...be happy." "Sophie won't make me happy." Only one person could make him happy. "Carter, Just go. I don't care if you wanna be with some empty-headed socialite. I don't care if you move on. I can't help it if you're not happy. But staying here, it's gonna kill us both. I want you to go. As of now, Carter and Abby are no more. There's nothing between us..." "That's not true!" I can't do this. We're not friends" She shook his hand off the shoulder and turned away from him, "We're finished. Move on. Us? We're in the past." "Dammit Abby, we're not in the past. Why won't you listen to me? I love you." She spun round and looked at him. There, he had said it. Now what?
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