Spoilers: Season Eight Author's Note: This is my second fanfic so I still need all the advice I can get. Click on the link at the bottom of the page to review.

 

 

Chapter one

 

I lie in his arms thinking. My mind goes over the past year. All the things that have happened. Some happy, some sad - mostly the latter. I think about Carter's revelation last year and the strain it put on our friendship. Looking back I realise he had to tell me. Everything changed after that. I realised I wasn't being honest about my true feelings for him. Things between Luka and I went from bad to worse. We broke up. We didn't love each other. I think about the time beside the river when I told Carter I was waiting. He rejected me. It hurt, God it hurt. But it doesn't matter, not anymore. I think about lying, beaten on my apartment floor scared and alone, two emotions I have grown comfortable with over the years. About staying with Luka. Turns out we are better off as friends. I see him smile more now. I laugh at the irony of it...I want Luka, my ex who I was with for a year, as a friend and Carter, my best friend who knows me better than anyone else in the world as...I sigh and remember my relapse. After six years I started drinking again. I managed to get sober again - thanks to Carter - and I'm still going strong. I still don't know why I relapsed. I suppose I felt I reached the end of the road. What was the point of being sober when I was alone and unhappy? But...I got through it and I'm okay now. Finally, I think of the lockdown. I was so scared that day. Funny thing was, I wasn't scared for me. I was scared at the possibility of losing Carter before we got our friendship back on track. Well actually, I was just scared of losing Carter, period. He kissed me! I suppose it was his way of telling me everything was gonna be fine. When his lips touched mine I felt like I was floating. It was everything I had ever wanted and it was from Carter! It was... indescribable. We made love that night. It was magical. Soft, gentle but so full of passion. It felt...natural. I had to keep pinching myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Afterwards he just held me. Like he was too scared to let me go in case I disappeared. So he held me and stroked my hair until I was asleep. My thoughts are interrupted by the figure beneath me. "Good morning" he whispers. I smile back contentedly. He kisses me lightly as I reply, "Morning" He stands and goes to the bathroom. Minutes later I hear the shower running. I continue to huddle in bed missing the extra heat. My mind drifts back to the lockdown. That night I had thought this is it! We've done it - crossed the line. I figured we'd be together, finally happy. But I woke up - literally! I remember looking over at Carter's sleeping form and being overwhelmed. Here I was waking up next to the man I had been in love with for so long, my best friend. Then it happened - I got scared and, like always, I ran away. It meant nothing. No! That's the problem, it meant everything - to me. Him? He was just caught in the moment, trying to help me through it. He didn't want me - not anymore. I couldn't stick around for him to tell me it was a mistake. I couldn't take the heartache, not again. There would have been no way our friendship could have lasted. So, I left. We're okay now though. Things were strange for a while but we're okay. I realise I've been thinking about Carter all morning. Oh well, no surprises there then! The tall figure reappears in my bedroom doorway. I smile as he walks towards me. He gently kisses my forehead. "I've gotta go to work." He says. "Okay. See you tonight?" "I'm working. I'll call you tomorrow." I smile and nod as he exits. My boyfriend! We've been together six weeks. He's...smart, funny, sexy. He's...he's...I know deep down he's not enough. He's not Carter.