I slowly roll over and look at the clock. 11:30am. Damn! I must have fallen back to sleep. I start to sit up but a wave of nausea convinces me otherwise. So, again, I lie in bed and think about my situation, just like this morning. I try to figure out how I ended up with Jason. I remember my night with Carter and know why. I needed to move on. Wanting Carter I ws just setting myself up for a whole world of heartache. I remember the first time I met Jason. It was just after an argument with the gorgeous Doctor. A month after our night. That's how pathetic I am! I refer to it as 'our' night. Jason was there. He made me laugh. Made me feel that there was some guys out there who were...safer to be with. Safer as in I probably wouldn't fall madly in love with them. We didn't start dating straight away. He called me a couple of weeks later and asked me out. I figured hell - why not?! So I said yes and here we are six weeks later - still together. I am happy! I know I am. I really like being with Jason it'd just sometimes I feel this emptiness inside me. Like there's a hole where my heart should be. I know I can't fall as completely as I have for Carter. But I am happy! Jason is great! He's fun, sexy, almost everything you could want from a guy. He's not Carter - but that's a good thing. Do we have a future? Who knows? But I'm enjoying the present. I only hurt sometimes. That's progress - right?
I look over at the clock again and realise I've been lost in thought for half an hour. I sit up, determined to push the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomache away. I've got things to do. I've got to go to work for a start!
As I stand, the room begins to spin. I run to the bathroom, barely making it before unleashing the contents of my stomache into the toilet.
After about five minutes I think my stomache is finally empty but I don't have the energy to move so I sit there, on my bathroom floor supporting myself with one arm on the toilet. God I'm tired! Surprising considering the amount of sleep I had yesterday. I must be coming down with something because I've never slept so muchin my entire life as I have in the past few days.
I finally pull myself up and drag myself over to the sink. I splash cold water over my face and look up. I let out a gasp as I look in the mirror. God I'm a mess! My hair is going in about a hundred different directions. It looks like a bird nested on my head! My eyes are dark and sunken and...is that? God! I quickly wipe the trace of vomit off my chin.
After an hour, I have somehow managed to shower and put on something that at least resembles a wearable outfit. I make another visit to the bathroom. Seems my stomache wasn't completely empty.
I pull on my coat and scramble out the door. The cold Chicago wind hits me at full force. Surprisingly it makes me feel better. I'll be okay. All I need is coffee. When I get coffee, I'll be great!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A couple of days later, I find myself lying in bed thinking about my relatinoships - again! God! I really have to get myself a life! I slowly sit up and am greeted by the all to familiar nauseous feeling. I run to the bathroom and after about fifteen minutes I emerge to find Jason standing with a smile and a cup of coffee.
"My saviour!" I say taking the cup. He looks concerned.
"Still feeling sick?" He asks.
"Two hundred points for the man in the blue shirt!" I snap. I immediately apologise. So I feel like crap - doesn't give me the right to be a bitch.
"Oh Jason. I'm sorry. I'm just..." He hold his hand up to quieten me.
"Ssh, it's okay." He tuck a stray hair - one of many - behind my ear. I'm so lucky to have him. Here I am getting all emotional now!
"I have to run," he plants a kiss on my cheek, "I have a meeting with the senior partners."
I glance at the bed. I could just take a quick nap and...
"Don't even think about it!" He laughs. Busted! "You have a Doctor's appointment with in an hour." I hold my hands up in surrender,
"Okay okay!"
"Bye" He leaves and again, I run to the bathroom.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An hour and a half later I walk down the streets of Chicago. I can't believe it! I'm not sure how I feel. Shocked would be a good guess. Happy? Yeah I think I am. How am I going to tell him? I exhale quickly, completely - shocked! How am I going to tell Jason? I don't even hesitate. I whip out my cell phone and dial the number. It rings a couple the times before someone picks up. There's a small pause.
"Hello" he sounds tired. Did I wake him? Dammit! I contemplate hanging up but I really need to talk.
"Carter? I really need to talk to you! It's important!" I blurt out. He immediately waked up and answers equally as quickly, the concern in his voice obvious.
"What's wrong? Has something happened?"
"I... Meet me in Doc's in fifteen?"
"I'll be there" I disconnect.
I should really have called Jason but I can't read him the way I can Carter. I don't know what to say. Right now second best isn't good enough. I need Carter. God that sounds harsh. Let's face it - I'm a bitch!
* * * * * * * *
